Contrasting Conflicting Concerns during Corona Crisis
In my coaching practice, I've been learning about and working with the idea of polarities. Although we are always dealing with the challenge of 'holding' and living with seemingly conflicting ideas and priorities, in this time, I'm finding myself internally being pulled and jerked so radically that I fear I may suffer a tear or strain!
Most conversations these days start off with the horror and tragedy of this pandemic. Questions of how much to do to protect myself and family: Answer is: never enough, and I don't know.
I'm afraid of getting the virus, I'm afraid of passing the virus. I'm worried about the future, will I have work after this? Will I be able to travel and see my grandchildren this summer?
I worry about my housekeeper, I worry my friends that are alone, I worry about my older brother. Every day, I think about the Homeless in Los Angeles. As of yet, there has not been a surge of deaths among the homeless population but I don't know why not? Yesterday I asked a policeman who was patrolling the Venice Boardwalk. He said he didn't know, but guessed it might be because their lifestyle has given them an immunity to the disease. Or that the people who brought it here came from other countries and don't associate with the homeless. I worry that I'm forgetting who else I should be worried about.
And I'm worried about my nails. They are growing out and I don't know how to do them myself.
I was on a Zoom call the other day and I saw that my eyelash extensions were gone and I looked pretty bad. I snuck a text to my technician to see if she was working and if so, where. She answered that she is doing very few clients in her studio, which is sterilized and she has masks. I booked an appointment. Then I went to work on the justification..... I've been quarantined for 3 weeks, she had been, too. She would wear a mask, I would wear a mask. I hadn't been in a car, store, anywhere except my house or beach. I was so excited to go to a different neighborhood, maybe go to Trader Joe's finally after my appointment.
Six AM the next morning: What the f%#K was I thinking??!! I'm going to risk my health, other's health, her health.........for eyelashes? (I cancelled and sent her money), This is the same so-called humanitarian who is so concerned about the homeless? How do I have both worries, concerns going on at the same time.? Who am I? Will the real Nita please stand up!
These polarities have been around for a while, for all of us. I read good literature and I read trash. Good film and NCIS. I care about my family and I work hard and long. It's just now that the contrasts are a bit more extreme.
After the whining, worrying and fear, everyone I talk to shares about the gifts of the quarantine. We're connecting more. More phone calls, zoom gatherings, family time. A time for creativity, cooking (not me), self-reflection, kindness, contribution, caring.
Then I turn on the news. And I'm angry, disgusted, and defeated. How dare I feel such gratitude and appreciation and happiness while nurses are dying because they don't have the protection to do their job? These are the crazy-making thoughts I am having.
I need to apply the same practice to these extreme polarities as I do to the normal everyday variety of polarities. First step is to acknowledge that both can be there at the same time. It's human. I can be worried about eating too much AND be concerned about children who aren't getting their school lunches. And if I stop beating myself up, and allow both concerns to exist at the same time, I can move into action. I can watch what I eat, and I can donate to feeding the children.
I've been a AAA member for decades, after changing my first (and last) flat tire at age 24. I now have a new meaning for this 'breakdown' saver:
AAA: Acknowledge Accept Act
I'm not bad, wrong, or crazy.....(except when I am).
Most conversations these days start off with the horror and tragedy of this pandemic. Questions of how much to do to protect myself and family: Answer is: never enough, and I don't know.
I'm afraid of getting the virus, I'm afraid of passing the virus. I'm worried about the future, will I have work after this? Will I be able to travel and see my grandchildren this summer?
I worry about my housekeeper, I worry my friends that are alone, I worry about my older brother. Every day, I think about the Homeless in Los Angeles. As of yet, there has not been a surge of deaths among the homeless population but I don't know why not? Yesterday I asked a policeman who was patrolling the Venice Boardwalk. He said he didn't know, but guessed it might be because their lifestyle has given them an immunity to the disease. Or that the people who brought it here came from other countries and don't associate with the homeless. I worry that I'm forgetting who else I should be worried about.
And I'm worried about my nails. They are growing out and I don't know how to do them myself.
I was on a Zoom call the other day and I saw that my eyelash extensions were gone and I looked pretty bad. I snuck a text to my technician to see if she was working and if so, where. She answered that she is doing very few clients in her studio, which is sterilized and she has masks. I booked an appointment. Then I went to work on the justification..... I've been quarantined for 3 weeks, she had been, too. She would wear a mask, I would wear a mask. I hadn't been in a car, store, anywhere except my house or beach. I was so excited to go to a different neighborhood, maybe go to Trader Joe's finally after my appointment.
Six AM the next morning: What the f%#K was I thinking??!! I'm going to risk my health, other's health, her health.........for eyelashes? (I cancelled and sent her money), This is the same so-called humanitarian who is so concerned about the homeless? How do I have both worries, concerns going on at the same time.? Who am I? Will the real Nita please stand up!
These polarities have been around for a while, for all of us. I read good literature and I read trash. Good film and NCIS. I care about my family and I work hard and long. It's just now that the contrasts are a bit more extreme.
After the whining, worrying and fear, everyone I talk to shares about the gifts of the quarantine. We're connecting more. More phone calls, zoom gatherings, family time. A time for creativity, cooking (not me), self-reflection, kindness, contribution, caring.
Then I turn on the news. And I'm angry, disgusted, and defeated. How dare I feel such gratitude and appreciation and happiness while nurses are dying because they don't have the protection to do their job? These are the crazy-making thoughts I am having.
I need to apply the same practice to these extreme polarities as I do to the normal everyday variety of polarities. First step is to acknowledge that both can be there at the same time. It's human. I can be worried about eating too much AND be concerned about children who aren't getting their school lunches. And if I stop beating myself up, and allow both concerns to exist at the same time, I can move into action. I can watch what I eat, and I can donate to feeding the children.
I've been a AAA member for decades, after changing my first (and last) flat tire at age 24. I now have a new meaning for this 'breakdown' saver:
AAA: Acknowledge Accept Act
I'm not bad, wrong, or crazy.....(except when I am).
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